woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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