this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
