My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
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