Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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