No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my phone needs a breathalizer
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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