So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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