Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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