I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
