I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
