I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
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all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
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The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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