Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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