and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
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