a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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