Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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