Capitaan dildo arrescate!
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
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