Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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