I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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