i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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