The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
