I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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