Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
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