Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
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Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
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Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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