If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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