I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
