So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
