I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
