a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
