So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
