she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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