omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
