I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
