I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
