Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
