my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
