WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
