Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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