My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
