I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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