I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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