I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
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My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
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The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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