I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
