Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
