I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
