I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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