well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
