I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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