if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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