Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
i now understand why vodka
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
