I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
