Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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