I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
