i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
