Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
