Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
