Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
