I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
