Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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