I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
