If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
